Late night stress

My kids have been competing for attention. It makes me crazy, it’s actually worse with Lil Guy, he doesn’t just want my attention, or Adams, he’s not happy until he has everyone’s attention, and whats more frustrating is he tries to make everyone miserable so we’ll all have to try to make him happy, which is not possible anyways.

What I hate is that he acts out to get the attention, and gets it for the most part, of course not from me b/c I’m onto him, and Adams onto him too, although Adams a little more forgiving. P.C. is older and mature enough to kinda… sacrifice some attention, and give it to Lil Guy, but I don’t want P.C. to give up to much… ya know. Everyone deserves to be happy. Lil Fell is in a strange in between   state. Sometimes he tries to act mature, he just doesn’t always know what to do. Other times he caves in and acts out too.

God… gives me a headache! Anyways, I want P.C. to be as happy as possible, I want Lil Fella to continue to grow and mature, and I’d freakin’ love for Lil Guy to just… settle down a little.

Anyways, I’ve been getting into crafts to find some peace of mind, and it works really well. At night I’ve been sewing by hand a lot. I’m recycling the kids old clothes, stitching them into something new. It’s fun. I havent completed anything yet, but I’m making crazy jackets. P.C. thinks I’m strange, but the lil’s think I’m amazing :)





So, I’ve been thinking about tattoos, and I’ve officially made up my mind- I’m just going to do it. I like the music notes in this one pictured about, even the spray paint looking parts. Of course I can’t just straight up copy someones tattoo, I was thinking about doing something like this. I used to transcribe music all the time when I was a kid. I’d take songs written for piano, and re write them for flute. I’d even add parts for a second flute, or third. I did this non stop. Maybe that could be the start of something?

Anyways, I’m in a creative/writing mood, and could be getting a lot done this morning but I have to go get my tire fixed :( So hopefully I’ll be able to get back on here soon!


Me and my family

Lil Fella and Lil Guy have been slowly starting to get along. They did pretty well today, and Lil Guy has impressed me with his reading tonight.

P.C. moves in for good in two weeks. It’s been a long journey with him, but I feel like we’ve been growing closer together. We share a since of humor that few get. We have drastically different backgrounds, but somehow have ended up with very similar values. Weird…

Me and Lil Fella both live in our own fantasy world, and share a same love for the world, I think that is what brings us together.

Me and Lil Guy, well, I think he needs affection, and he gets that from Adam more than me, I think. But he also needs to be challenged to do things right. I do that. I’m also that constant and steady love. I totally get where he is coming from with his P.T.S. and it hurts me to know he’s dealing with that. We are very much the same person sometimes, which can be scary for the two of us. I gotta feeling we share even more.

I guess I’ve gotten a family… I just have a feeling there’s going to be another Lil’ later on. I know that probably sounds crazy, but I’ve gotten a lot of feelings, and they have always turned out to be true. I’ve gotten more, but I have to be sure about them before I share them.

Anyways, I think we are going to put Lil Fella and Lil Guy into some extra curricular activities. Lil Guy wants to do gymnastics, and Lil Fella wants to do basketball. I just have to get the details taken care of. I’m sure P.C. will be looking for something eventually too.


“The Unknown Soul”

Well, I’ve had a never ending flow of bad luck lately, and it just wont seem to stop, but I’m not going to go into that because I don’t want to dwell on the negative, and I don’t want you guys to either.

I have been working on my layout for the book of poetry, did I tell you about that already?

Well, it’s called “The Unknown Soul” The cover so far has earth tones, they are all kinda dulled down to almost the look of a sepia photo. I’ve made a drawing to go on the cover also, it a girl wearing a very flowing cape, with a hood, she’s hiding her face with her hands and you can see her hair. I’m thinking after I get done coloring it, and photoshopping it, etc. When it’s actually on the cover it will be a little translucent looking. I figure the word “Soul” could also mean “ghost” so she’ll look a little ghostly.

I haven’t started it yet, but I want to draw some roses for the back cover. I haven’t really decided if their will be artwork inside the book.

Here the con’s to doing that:

1. I can do black and white images for no extra cost at all, but I don’t think they’ll look as good as full color images would.

2. Full color would drive up the cost of printing, I’d have to factor in added ink cost, and higher quality paper.

3. More artwork = more time

On the flip side, the pros are:

1. It would make me happier with the book.

2. The book might appeal to more people.

So… those are my thoughts at the moment. Feel free to weigh in.


New thinking

I’ve decided to try out a new way of thinking.

It’s probably not new at all, I’m sure some one else thought this up a long time ago.

Okay, I have been feeling worn out, frustrated, angry etc. Everything bad- I’ve been feeling it. Yesterday was horrible. So last night after the lil ones were asleep I forced myself to think up solutions. Here’s what I’ve come up with; I think Lil Guy’s anger has overflowed onto me. Thats what I’m picturing anyways, like he has to much to contain, so somehow it rubs off on me.

SO, I’ve decided to make a “happy place” in my mind, no matter whats going on outside my mind, on the inside I’m going to be deflecting all that negative stuff. Even if I’m not exactly happy all the time, and maybe my not-so-angry energy will start to rub off on him instead. I just have to be the total opposite of angry.

Like I said, its my new way of thinking. If it works out well I’ll have to let you know.


Digging up the past

I think I’ve mentioned this before, but just incase you don’t believe me, here it is…


My giant box of notebooks, and scraps of paper, things I’ve wrote. Things I wrote on. It’s crazy, and I don’t normally go through it all because it’s kind of… dark, and I don’t like all the places I’ve been in my life, but regardless, this is part of me.

The sad part; this is probably only about a third of it, or less. So much of it’s been lost, trashed by me, or by others, and of course there is this blog, thats not in the box.

Well, it was about the time I started this blog that I put these things all together in a box, they used to be scattered all over. It was then that I realized I had been writing all my life. I guess, some part of me realized it of course, I just didn’t believe I had actually accomplished anything with it. The lid doesn’t fit on it because it’s overflowing, until today it was taped on.

When I first did this, I realized I had probably wrote enough to finally fill up a book… or something. I knew I wanted to write something, I just didn’t realize I already had written plenty. I taped up the box and stored it in the cellar in my old house. There is sat all this time until today.

(I think it’s funny- the unintentional metaphor here, compacting my past and storing it in a dark and dingy hole in the ground, I buried the part of me that felt so… dead. Opening it back up, it’s like resurrecting the dead parts of my life.)

Of course some parts of it weren’t meant to be seen by anyone. They will remain in the box, but as much as possible, I am going to publish. I’ve already started. The stuff that remains in the box, well, that’ll have to wait until I am gone.


Family life, and writing

Okay, so over the weekend I kept trying to squeeze in little bits of writing, or doing artwork for the books I’ve been working on. It’s been hard with the kids all needing some part of my attention, and just keeping up with the normal things, but I figure even if my progress is slow, I have to keep it moving. I’m kinda taking this serious because I know if it is a success that the other people in my life will also take me a little more serious (as a writer of some sort to earn at least part of a living)

The weekend has been tough anyways. At some point everyday the lil ones drive me crazy. It’s not that they’re necessarily “bad” all the time or anything like that, it’s more that Lil Guy just has some issues that will take time to get under control. Lil Fella honestly isn’t bad at all, I feel bad for him because I feel like he’s always trying to do good, be good, but he doesn’t get much in return. (except I spoil him. I can’t help it, I just love my Lil Fella)

P.C. I think is going to need something to do next weekend that is just for him. Something he can get excited about. He was in a little bit of a funk, I’m pretty sure it’s because I told him to try to find someone to invite over to the house, and even if we had to drive a long way to pick them up, or drop them off, I’d do my best to make it happen. He messaged everyone he could think of on facebook, but couldn’t find anyone to take him up on his offer.

I thought about buying him something for his room from Ikea, I know he’d take the time to put something together, we built Lil Fellas bunk beds together one Sunday. I just don’t know what he’d want exactly from there, I know he’s already planned itall out in his head.

Lil Guy doesn’t really need anything special right now. Just consistency in life I guess. I’ve had to have some heart to heart conversations with him. I feel like I’ve seen a small change lately. I think he’s been in the phase of testing out his boundaries, and maybe he’s reaching the end of that.

Well, I’d better go, if you’ve got any thoughts on my family life, or writing, you should leave ‘em here