The roads we travel
Are seldom paved
More often made of gravel
Littered with pot holes
And road blocks
Some choose to carve their own path
Forging their own way through the jungle of life
People often see us, and tell us to come back
They think we will be lost
That we can’t stand on our own two feet
But we’d rather stand on solid ground
Than the cracking cement beneath the rest of society
We will not loose our way
Rather, we will commune with the world around us
And those who may cross our path
You are welcome to follow along
If you dare leave the world of illusion behind
The roads we travel
I had a dream last night that my bedroom made me sad. I know it sounds funny, but I literally felt sad in my dream. My older brother was in my dream and he told me it wasn’t the bedroom at all.
It was the little black shadow figure that comes into my bedroom at night, around 2-3a.m. She makes people feel sad, because thats how she feels.
In my dream I wondered how I could’ve missed this, and so, in my dream I stayed awake and waited, watched, and listened for that little black shadow to come into my bedroom. Sure enough she came in, quietly, and sat up on the side of my bed, buried her head in her arms, and very quietly sobbed.
Now, I don’t know why I did this, but I sat up and told her that she needed to go away. She became very angry, but I stood my ground, and kicked her out of my room.
But this made me think of another dream I had before this one. We were all in my bedroom, and I stuck my head out the bedroom door because Lil Fella was frightened by something he thought was in the house. When I did this I could see the silver ware drawer in the kitchen open up, and knifes lifted up, and threw themselves into the wall. I yelled at this “entity” to get out and leave us alone too.
I’m wondering if theres anything to these dreams, of if I’ve just got a really strange stuff going on in my head while I sleep.
Have you ever had things you know you must do, but you can’t bring yourself to do it? Well that’s me right now. All day yesterday I worked on this house, knowing a case worker will be here tomorrow morning.
Two things that need to be done, the kitchen, and the bathroom. I could normally knock it out pretty fast, but I’m so sick of cleaning.
On the bright side- we should have keys to the new home on wed. And P.C. Should be coming for his first over night visit. Both good, and both put pressure on me to get things done.
On Friday P.C. Had a team meeting. (Basically everyone sits around a table and try to make decisions) remember how I was thinking about coming to his defense, well, he just has one case worker that’s still being kinda grumpy.
We went out for lunch afterward, and shopped around a little. When I was in the group home waiting for things to start I had watched them bring in a new boy. He looked to be about Lil Fellas size and age, maybe 11 or 12. I tried to listen to what was being said, but didn’t catch much.
The poor lil boy was so nervous his hands and legs were shaking. He was a nervous wreck, he looked terrified. There was an older woman with him that looked like she could have been his mother, but I don’t know.
At lunch I told P.C. About it, he knew exactly who I was talking about, he said he was new, and that some of the kids were picking on him when he came in, but he stopped them.
That didn’t make me feel any better, except the fact that P.C. Had the same feelings about it as I did.
Well, I’d better get off of here!
We are going to move. We found a house to rent, and signed the contract. We haven’t gotten the keys yet, but I’m hoping to by tomorrow.
We are going to rent out our old house to help with the bills of the new one. I’m not really excited about adjusting to juggling a more complicated budget, it’s bad enough with the salon lol.
However I am excited to have a bigger house, in a nicer area. It feels kinda goofy to be moving into this big house when it’s just the three of us, but P.C. Will be moving in around the end of September, and I’m thinking about fostering some kids too. Life is changing right now.
Life has been so exhausting lately. I’ve have very little time or energy to do much, and I hate that feeling, even though what’s so consuming lately isn’t anything bad, it’s just a lot… ya know?
So Monday I made that trip to see P.C. and Friday I’m meeting with all “his people” to work stuff out. I had some pretty startling realizations lately, but I’m grateful for them. I’ll have to explain in story form.
Lil Fella was in daycare for a week. I’ve never used a daycare for him, never wanted to, but in this case I didn’t feel right asking someone to dedicate a week to watching him. Thats a lot to ask of someone.
On Friday the daycare called and said he’d been in a terrible mood, and fighting with another boy there all day, and that they had gotten into a fight, literally, with kicks and punches. They couldn’t keep my lil Fella there any more.
Fine… I thought… just great. This kinda thing happens a lot with him, usually I’m getting calls from school. But this time something hit me, and very sudden.
It’s not all his fault, not that he’s justified in fighting with anyone, but why didn’t someone actually do something to prevent it? Separate the two boys. Make them work out their problem, something, you can prevent these things from happening.
So I was able to be a little more understanding, and forgiving this time.
Then it hit me again. I applied this same logic to an incident that P.C. was involved in, one that ended badly. Why didn’t some one try to help him? He’s surrounded all day by these licensed professionals, people that are supposed to be there to help him, and all the other kids too. Why hadn’t they acted like adults, and separated P.C. from what was causing him to act out?
God, am I the only one seeing this happening??? I’m very thankful that I can see it, now I can do something about it. Maybe we are to quick to blame children for “acting out” maybe the adults are using kids as scape goats!?! I’ve always felt like “these kids” get a bad reputation as being the “bad kids” and I have never understood it, and I have never bought into it. I think I’m just coming to a clear understanding of how things work right now.
Sadly the kids themselves believe they are “bad”, sometimes, but who can blame them, they can’t figure all this stuff out yet. They also can’t explain themselves well, although people try to make them, they can’t. They simply act on emotions most of the time, and they cann’t explain it, or defend themselves to us.
Anyways, I’m going into this meeting Friday, with my new mind set, and I think it’ll help me. I have some new questions now, and I’d like some answers, or some apologies(for P.C.), or something. P.C. shouldn’t be held completely responsible for “acting out.”
I didn’t know him well enough at first, but I do now, and I know he’s not a bad kid. (I know what they might think, they might use their phycology to explain that I’m imagining that “my kid” is perfect somehow and that I believe he can do no wrong, that they are being way to hard on him. They will say it’s normal for an adoptive parent to think like this when they are in the honey moon stage, but I don’t think thats the case, because I am using logic that can be applied to other situations, like Lil Fellas daycare incident.)
Anyways, I’ll let ya know how it goes, if it goes anywhere lol.
Today I took P.C. to the Newport Aquarium. It was pretty amazing, this picture is of a tunnel surrounded in glass, even the floor was glass, so it was like walking in the ocean. P.C felt rather confined by the space.
Things with this adoption are moving along so far, only it just feels like it’s taking a while, I’m thinking that’s just what it feels like to everyone. P.C. Is working hard to get through his counciling, and not getting in trouble. I’m proud of him for that, I should find a way tell him that. He’s in the middle of dealing with some issues, I told him today, in an awkward moment over lunch that I don’t blame him completely, it’s more the adults who’ve messed up. Anyways, I should stop rambling and get off of here!