So, I’ve been having one thing after another kinda… just go wrong, and put me in a funk. I’ve learned a lot of ways to combat these kind of funks b/c I hate feeling down, angry, hurt, or stressed. I just want to feel good all the time, it makes life easier, and more enjoyable if you learn how to handle the bad.
Well, all that is good in theory, but sometimes you have a hard time applying. That where I’m at now. There’s really to much to say all on one blog. I don’t want to bore you with my life problems. So I’ll just start here…
I applied for choir at church, if you know me you, know I had to work up the courage. It took me about 3 years to work up this courage, but as I get older I get braver. They do an interview, after you apply, but in the mean time the choir director, who I like a lot, (I took a Financial Peace class he was teaching a couple years ago) told me to go ahead and come to choir practice.
Practice was amazing, I never realized how good our choir is until I was sitting in the middle of them singing. It makes you feel more connected to the people, and I view singing as a form of worship, so closer to God also. For me, praise and worship should involve singing, music, dance, what ever it is you feel like you need to do, that’s how they did it in the Old Testament, but people seem to forget that. I’m mean they made the walls of Jericho fall with their praise and worship!
Anyways, I go to two practices, and I’m really feeling good about it, but then the interview was yesterday, and I was open and honest in my application. Transparency is something they really preach at my church. I really like the girl who does the interviews b/c we’ve known each other for a long time, volunteered for things, she’s been a client of mine before. We just sat and disagreed with each other about if my life is a sin or not. (if you didn’t figure it out, I’m gay) Well, they wont let someone willingly living in sin be part of a ministry. Like I said, I view it as worship, not so much of a ministry. So there we where, both not wanting to hurt each others feelings, both not wanting to change our views, and there’s really not much she can do about it anyways, it’s church policy, so it’s a no, for now, but she’s setting up a interview with our Pastor, and the choir director.
I hate this. I thought this would happen, and I thought that I’d be prepared for the answer, but I not. I feel like I should be at choir practice right now, not typing about a blog. I told myself that if it was a ‘no’ then I’d be on my way, leave that church, do something different. But that place feels like home to me, and those people feel like family, and it’s not that simple to just walk away from your home and family. I know they feel the hurt too, they don’t want to see someone go.
I know it probably sounds like “they’re the bad guys” but they’re not. Neither am I, the only bad guy would be Satan, and I’m sure he’s loving this. It breaks my heart to think of not going to church there. I’ve never been good at good byes.
The only bright side I can see from this is, maybe it will somehow show them that I am worthy of worshiping God, just as much as anyone else. If we must part ways, maybe I’ll have paved the path for someone else. And what will I do? Maybe I’ll develop my own skills at preaching, since some one will have to take charge of it in my house hold. Maybe I’ll be more free to explore God on my own.
In the mean time, while I wait on this second interview, I’m going to do just that, when I should be at church, I’ll be doing research of my own, listening to my own praise and worship music, probably with Lil Fella too, he loves music. I plan to blog about what I’m doing, learning, and hopefully that will be my personal connection to other people.
I know, no matter what happens, God has my back, and I will lean on him for strength. I will not let this weaken my faith, it will only make it stronger.