Inside the mind of a seven year old

I wrote this from the point of view of my seven year old sons subconscious.

I’m a boy, or so they say. I have dark hair and freckles. I’m small, but I’m tough. And I’m a lot smarter and older than what they say. People want to believe I’m sweet and innocent, and so I let them. I like it sometimes, when it plays to my advantage. 

When I’m mad I want them to see me for who I really am, not sweet or innocent, I’m angry because they do not know me, even though they act like they have me all figured out. They don’t. I want them to know that I can take care of myself. I don’t need anyone to tell me what to do, or how to act. I have my own mind, I am my own person,  I’m a lot smarter than they think I am. I’ll be just fine taking care of myself. I don’t need anyone, and I’m sure they don’t need me. 

I remember most things. Sometimes people tell me things I do not remember, but I know they’re true because of how uncomfortable the conversations are. I don’t remember slamming my car into my brothers head, or why, but I know I did. All I know is that I was angry. I remember the look on my dads face, filled with frustration because he didn’t know what to do. He had to carry me away to my room, but I know he didn’t want to. He had to. He didn’t want to leave his other son on the living room floor crying. I knew I did wrong. 

Sometimes I’m to tired to move. I like to watch the sun set and rise outside my bedroom window. I like to sleep next to my dad because he hugs me and keeps me safe and warm. I don’t like to get up for school, so sometimes my other dad comes in and dresses me while I sleep. I do not fight it because I know that I am safe and warm, and I do not want to move.

I make my dads proud when I show them how smart I am. I can read big words, and I can even spell better than my older brother. My dads like to learn new things too, just like me. When they work, I work, when they read, I read, when they watch T.V., I watch T.V. My one dad likes to read books to me. He also likes to draw. I don’t always realize it but sometimes I’m actually happy around here. Sometimes I even fit right in.

But like I said, I don’t remember everything and so sometimes, when I’m mad, they have to remind me of all these things, because I forget that I was ever happy. 

My caseworkers say they’re not going to see me anymore, and they ask me if I’m happy here, because this is going to be my home forever. I just cross my arms and say that I’d be a lot happier if they’d buy me more stuff. Really, I’m just afraid of letting go of the past. But as soon as they leave I forget all about it, and life goes back to normal.  


So, today I worked myself to death. I mowed the yard here at the big house, hopefully for the last time. I can’t wait to move. Then I went to the old house for the rest of my time, I’ve been digging away at the back yard, trying to create the perfect (man made) pond. I embrace nature, and try to re-create natural scenery that calms my nerves. I not as good as the real thing, but it’s so much better than nothing!

I can’t wait. I’m so excited at this point.

Anyways, I’ve started writing something and I assume some part of it will work it’s way up here some time soon. I thought I’d ask for some input however, to balance my views in this thing, with other peoples.

It’s about feelings. I think most people have them, I also think a lot of people ignore their own, or, say things with out thinking about it in order to comfort other peoples feelings. I know I’ve been guilty of that, and it’s a dangerous territory that well meaning people might get lost in.

It’s about feeling vulnerable, or used. Feeling good, on top, or feeling nothing at all. That’s the scariest one of them all, to me. I’ve been there before, but it scares me even more when people act like it’s okay to not feel something. To be detached, because, in my mind anyways, those un-feeling, detached people are the scary ones. They are, in my eyes, capable of almost anything.

Anyways, give me feedback. Experiences, or things you’ve witnessed.

Getting ready to move

Moving is a pain, but it has its up’s. Today I carried three large bags full of garbage out of my house. I’ve also started setting up a pretty good garage sale ( haven’t had it yet, just setting things up in my garage)

So, I hope I’ll be able to get rid of a lot of stuff. It feels good to narrow it down more and more.

The down side, I’ve been all over this house, and parts of it I typically avoid, I have to face head on. Some of the stuff getting cleaned up or trashed is attached to memories that make me want to cringe, or cry, layered with the location, lighting etc.

But I’m optimistic, and even though I’m not the best person for this kind of work- I’m getting better and faster at it😃


I’m not sure why, every once in a while I feel restless, bored, sick of my usual hobbies, un interested in nearly everything, and in those times I tend to sketch out drawings. They never amount to anything more than another page in another note pad. image If this one seems odd, that’s because it is. A Facebook friend of mine asked me to do one of him, so I sifted through his pictures until I settled on this dog/baby/weird camera angle one. I don’t normally draw people I know, I like to stick to imaginary characters, but I think this fits into the ‘imaginary character’ category enough.

imageI’ve fallen back in love with Mickey Mouse since our Disney trip- heck, why not?

image  Link from Zelda has been one of my favorites since 8th grade.imagemickey and whatever that little guy’s name is. They say Mickey was always pictured smiling until Walt  himself died. Odd…

Sad songs

The following lyrics are from a song I like a lot….

NF- Paralyzed 

When did I become so numb?
When did I lose myself?
All the words that leave my tongue
Feel like they came from someone else

I’m paralyzed
Where are my feelings?
I no longer feel things
I know I should
I’m paralyzed
Where is the real me?
I’m lost and it kills me – inside
I’m paralyzed

When did I become so cold?
When did I become ashamed? (Ooh)
Where’s the person that I know?
They must have left
They must have left
With all my faith

I’m paralyzed
I’m scared to live but I’m scared to die
And if life is pain then I buried mine a long time ago
But it’s still alive
And it’s taking over me – where am I?
I wanna feel something, I’m numb inside
But I feel nothing, I wonder why
And on the race of life time passes by
I sit back and I watch it, hands in my pockets
Waves come crashing over me but I just watch ’em
I just watch ’em
I’m under water but I feel like I’m on top of it
I’m at the bottom and I don’t know what the problem is
I’m in a box
But I’m the one who locked me in
Suffocating and I’m running out of oxygen

It’s one of those songs I’ve probably drove everyone crazy with, I can’t help it. He has another one about feeling alone, and it kills me because I know these feelings and I hate that other people are feeling them too.

So often people forget that there is a real person behind all these songs, pictures, blogs, websites, and things that we entertain ourselves with. Last night I was listening to NF by myself and Adam came in. I was feeling a little emotional from the songs, and I told him that I felt sad for NF for feeling the way he does.

Sometimes people think that everything that’s entertaining was put out there just for them, they demand more and more, but that wears on the person who’s actually creating it.

I know people demand more of me doing hair when I’m not into it, but that’s part of my job, and I will eventually be so drained from the constant demand that I will no longer do hair. Artist get sick of recreating the same things all the time, they move onto different forms, different mediums, they grow and change.

I love NF’s music, but really I’d rather know that he’s okay, as a person, than have more and more music to listen to. I hate that anyone feels such painful emotions, I guess because I’ve been there. But I always wake up at some point and realize that it has past, or that things can get better. Sometimes I fear that I wont snap out of it, or that someone else just like me wont snap out of it either.

Anyways, I’d better get off of here and do something more productive with myself.


Pictures of stuff

Good Morning…


aaawwww my babies so cute when she’s sleepy :)

I just thought I’d get on here and share some pictures of whats going on in my life lately.

We went to a beautiful park, I forget the name of it, but it’s out by Yellow Springs




Isn’t this the most amazing tree…

And here’s Lil Gizmo, I’ve been carrying him around and petting him for hours every night.


I like to think he’s trying to hold my hand.

Finally, the house…


I might have shared this one before, this is part way through taking up the old pergo floor. (You can see a little of that, the lighter flooring) Exposing the original hardwood floors.

The old floors weren’t completely horrible, that room was in the best shape, it got a lot worse from there, but we got new hardwood anyways. That archway also came down. I hated to take it down, but we just kinda had to in order to make the rooms the right shape.


Voila! New hardwood. New drywall, new electric, the list goes on. This room is just about done, it’s the living room. The trim needs to go up. I painted the old vent covers, but they’re not in the picture. It’s fun to see the old and the new mix together.

I hope you guys are having nice days out there. I’m going to get back to doing all my chores now!


Happy endings

I’m lost in contemplation

My fires burning out

Drowned in aggravation

I don’t know what this pain’s about

Think my heart’s made of stone?

Think my soul is dark and cold?

Think I like to feel alone?

Then why do I so tightly hold

Onto to this prayer, to God I’m sending;

Let me always be forgiving

And let my kids keep on pretending

Give me streangth to keep on living