The Gorge

Lil Guy had the day off of school today.

I had already gotten Lil Fella off to 7th grade when we sat down to breakfast.

We discussed the options of what we might do, me and him, his brother was at school and ‘other dad’ busy at work.

He picked ‘going into the woods’. (Which was my first pick because it’s free and I’m feeling poor)

Off to John Bryant State Park. (otherwise known as the gorge )

It’s beautiful, these pictures do not do it justice, you have to be there to take it in.

After breakfast he came out of the house and declared;

“Okay, I’m ready” wearing only the swimming trunks you see in the pictures. I grabbed a couple ‘just in case’ items and we hopped into ol’ rusty and took off.

Lil Guy said he’d catch a fish with his bare hands if we got hungry…

‘You mean lost’ I thought, but kept to myself.

The Gorge is basically a massive valley, you hike down first, there is a river/ or creek at the bottom, then you can hike up the other side. That side has all the little water falls and strange rock formations.

There’s supposed to be a huge water fall that I have yet to find with little ones trailing behind.

It’s dangerous if you’ve got a fear of heights. Stick to the trial, or walk off a cliff. And people take mountain bikes…

Lil Guy just kept making me think of Lord of the Flies the whole time.

I kept imagining a huge boulder falling off a cliffs edge, scary, and that lil fella who wore glasses and got picked on.…… it’s kind of a sad story really, and kids who survive on their own are actually very real threat, not sad/ lonely/ and helpless like we might imagine.

Anyways, I’d like to camp there, or at least venture out on my own, or with Adam. It’s a good place to think. I’m sure it did Lil Guy some good to be out in nature,  you can’t rush things, or shortcut, no cell phone service, no one to get attention from.

can stand by silently, like one of the moss covered rocks or fallen trees; let him test the theories of ‘if a tree falls in the forest and there’s no one there to hear it…’

Sometimes you need to stand there by yourself in order to realize how small you are in the scheme of things. How big everything else is, and how you might just very well need it in order to survive in this world.

I don’t mind taking my little one out to test those theories, Lord knows I could’ve used someone safe to go out and scream and yell at the world with. I could use a second chance really… if it were given. Until then;

Faithfully Yours,

Aaron

 

Breaking the cycle

I’ve been trying to break this cycle of almost accomplishing – then giving up.

It used to be; almost accomplishing – then giving up – feeling like a miserable failure – repeat.

The last couple months of counseling has knocked off the miserable failure ending.

Plus a book I’ve been slowly reading called Ask and it is Given has helped me redirect my thoughts and feelings so that they align with the ways I’d like to think and feel.

I don’t know if I’d call it Self Help or New Age if I were in charge of categorizing books.

But at least I’ve been able to put my best foot forward. I have a lot of not so enjoyable things to do today, but I should be able to navigate it all in fairly good state of mind.

Later

aaron

Long relentless day

I bought a ball of wool roving from the ‘wool gathering’.

I went knowing I’d feel like the outcast because I thought some of my long ago friends would meet me there.

Instead I found something to entertain myself with, $6 for two huge balls of wool ready to spin into yarn.

This was my first attempt at the process.

I think I spotted one of those friends I mentioned, about 15 into the event I had a weird text that had me giving up and going back home.

I just had a feeling to go home. I also had a feeling to look up, that’s when I might have spotted her.

I felt every sort of torn/confused/lost as I drove down the road.

I might have turned the radio up and shed a few tears while I was in that moment that I actually felt safely alone to do so.

I turn onto my road to see two cop cars in front of my house; being to late to turn back, I had to face whatever it was.

I told them “NO” I had not hit a car this morning, I had not drove until my little trip out at 10:30, and when I got to my destination I came back home, to this…

They looked my truck over, and asked me again, I told them the same thing, and again I told them the same thing, finally I was able just go inside.

I really just wanted some peace at this point, my hands were shaky, and my heart seemed to be beating outside of my chest, and I have done nothing wrong to deserve this.

The kids were okay today, they’re snoozin’ now, but I feel dreadful about whatever tomorrow brings.

I know I’ll get through it, just don’t know how safe and sound I’ll be.

You never know.

But im going to let my thoughts guide  me somewhere else for now, try to align with something else…

 

Late night cleaning

I stayed up late last night cleaning my house. I was actually ready for bed pretty early, but being on a roll kinda felt good.

I suckered the kids into helping just a little before they went to bed.  I made a ‘chore chart’ of three things each that they have to do once a week.

I reward them at the end of the week if they’ve done it problem free. This is only week two.

It seems like it’s changed their mindset on cleaning from being something terrible and miserable into something that’s not so bad after all.

Not one complaint this week, even when I give them something to do outside of the chart.

My goal is to make them feel like they are doing it for themselves, to make them feel good.

I’ve actually gotten two ‘I love you’s from lil guy this month, which is highly unusual from him, typically he looks at me like I’m his mortal enemy and must be defeated.

Ive been trying out new parenting things, they seem to be helping.

Anyways, just a few small accomplishments. I may be back with more.

Dreams of the Anti-Christ

This morning I had a dream about the Anti-Christ, as in the Bible prophosy stuff about the end.

For some reason I worked for the CIA or FBI, or something along those lines, and we had arrested this guy, but he always had a way of disappearing.

Anyways, all I had to do was hand cuff him and hold his arm as we exited a convention center. He was complient, calm.

We had to take an elevator, but the elevator lights were going on and off, the doors trying to open and close, the whole thing was jerky, but all I had to do was keep a firm grip on an arm, so that’s what I did.

when the elevator reached ground level I realized that even though I had a tight grip on his arm the entire time, his hands had moved.

They were cuffed behind his back, and now they were cuffed in front.

Every where we walked with this supernatural deceiving character things were like that, leaky pipes, blown light bulbs, loose skewes, squeaky doors, he was always kindly offering to fix them.

We were trying to ignore this, his fake kindness was fooling people the whole time, it’d creep up on you, and you’d almost be tricked over and over.

Anyways, the rest is to detailed to go into, but it was an unnerving was to wake up. I halfway wonder if the dream was metaphorically symbolizing more than the Anti-Christ.

Yarn hobbies

image.jpeg Here are two current projects that I am brain dead on.

On the left is a super soft yarn, I learned a slip stitch out of an old 80’s knitting book from the thrift store. Problem is I know this yarn will only almost be enough for a scarf, and it was on clearance, so I don’t imagine I’ll be getting more.

On the right I crocheted a hood, but there’s no yarn to finish it with. It’s supposed to be a Viking hood, I’d need to make two big squares to finish it. Again- clearance sale yarn.

So what do I make with these things?

Dealing with life (and sometimes death) among other things…

This morning I woke up and wobbled my sleepy self out to the living room, I knew the T.V. was on but I temporarily forgot that I had resolved not to watch it today.

I seen several previews for 911 specials that looked especially heartbreaking the past few days, and when I get sucked into that it last for days. I’m just now overcoming my own depressed state.

I bet I was streaming a couple tears within 5 min. Adam turned it off, otherwise the next 8 or 9 days of my life would be spent wiping away tears every time something remotely sad happened.

This man said he was in his office, he and his receptionist, they couldn’t use the elevator, but he had decided to call his wife before they took the stairs.

He seen two people falling outside his window, then he seen a women, they made eye contact as he left his wife a voicemail.

He said “so much was communicated in that moment” and he realized the phone call was risking his and the co workers lives. They got out of there.

I couldnt take my eyes off the news that day. I seen so many people die on live T.V. The reporter herself almost died at least 3 times that I can remember. I have never seen the footage I watched that day played again. I doubt I ever will, but those images are forever burned into my memory.

My therapist gave me the “okay” to get on some anti-depressants. Seems I’ve worked my way through some problems and developed some better coping skills.

She was going to help me find a psychiatrist b/c I probably need a combination that would be uncomfortable to write for a family doctor, but we ran out of time.

I think I know her train of thought, I’ve gone through this enough times, they always draw the same conclusions about me. But I think I might be okay with just the anti depressant for a while. Or even without it- I can at least survive.

Shes actually the first person who made me work through life on my own first- which is something I’ve always wondered about. It’s good for me to have someone holding me accountable; makes me work harder.

Maybe it’s all just in time too. I’m going to get off of here, but I’ll be back soon.