Eating better

In an attempt to eat better, and hopefully feed my family better, me and Adam have been buying a lot of fresh fruit and vegetables. We’ve been trying to avoid buying processed food. We haven’t bought pop. I just made a huge batch of green tee and put it in mason jars in the fridge so that I wont me tempted to buy Diet Mountain Dew. I was thinking I should make some hard boiled eggs too.

All the processed foods we eat, even the diet stuff is why we (as a country) are having so many weight problems. Even the sugar substitutes screw you up because your brain thinks it’s sugar, so your body digest it that way, releasing a ton of insulin into your body, and turning everything you eat into fat right away. Pretty scary stuff if you think about it. Basically, by manipulating the food they can make the “nutritional” “facts” look a little better on the box, but once it’s inside our bodies it messes up our chemistry.

That’s why people think they are doing everything right, but not seeing any results. They’re eating processed food and being tricked into believing that it’s okay, as long as the watch the calories, or carbs, or whatever they’re looking at on the box. Weight loss, dieting, it’s a marketing technique.

I for one am not going to fall for it. I started some green been plants, and just bought some tomato plants, I’m hoping I’ll be able to grow some of out own food this summer too.

Well, I g2g.


Completing goals

The other day I promised myself that I wouldn’t give up on things so easily. I want to finish what I start, instead of moving from one thing to another. Just little things even, because at the end of the day I haven’t been feeling accomplished at all.

I know I get distracted because I always get new ideas while working on old ones.

I’ve been wanting to learn how to do graphic design a little more lately. I’ve though about it so many times in the past. Graphic design, and web design both really appeal to me, but they are also both hard for me to learn. I love to get creative, crafty even, but I can’t figure out where that fits into the rest of the world. I’ve already accomplished a career as a hairdresser, and now I want to do more. For some reason I keep thinking about selling things at the flea market.

I’m also searching for something to do with Adam, I feel like the two of us need a common goal to work towards. We are getting along good with working on the old house, but for the part all we’re working together on is really just the plans. I know later he will be helping me to some work. We’re going to do our own roof.

So, if any of you kind people reading have any suggestions or ideas for me, please let me know.

Long day

I worked non stop today. Not a terrible day, just exhausting.

Anyways, I thought I’d make a rambling update sort of blog since I haven’t done that in a while…

Lil Guys adoption is still movin’ along just fine. Taking a while, and I’m ready for it to be over b/c I’m tired of being a foster parent. I need a break from papers, reports, emails, case workers etc. The hell I’ve gone through this time was enough to make me want to be done with the whole thing.

I’ve been in an unusual mood, I’ve been enjoying people lately. I like my teenage clients at work. Today one asked me about “the kids in the late 90’s and early 2000’s that wore black trench coats” lol gothic kids I guess, a generation that has grown up and doesn’t exist the same way anymore. I was one of those kids.

I’ve been brain dead with writing lately, but still being crafty, I’ll have to post pics of all my projects.

My mood has been up and down non stop. Anyways, I’m going to hop off here.



Matters of the heart

Matters of the heart can not be made since of. They can not be sorted out, categorized, put into solid unchangeable matter-of-fact kind of rules… well, I guess they can if you really want them to be like that, but I can’t do that.

Not saying I haven’t tried, I have at one point, After my parents divorced I was so jaded by their failed mirage, watching them go through so much pain, feeling the pain it caused me. I swore I’d never fall in love. I vowed, I promised to myself it would absolutely never happen. I used to listen to a Pink song on repeat called “Family Portrait”, a line in it says this; “I don’t want love to destroy me like it has done my family” That spoke to me. I lived by it for a while.

The problem with that is, if you refuse to be vulnerable in order to avoid the possibility of being heart broken, well, you sacrifice all the good feelings of falling in love. To experience being loved yourself. That’s the place I took myself to, at a very young age. I didn’t feel attachments to people, I didn’t make friends, I sure as hell would not be falling in love with anyone. I was just lonely, cold blooded, angry, lonely, the list goes on. But hey, at least no one was doing it to me (I thought).

Instead of feeling all the joy other people might have brought into my life, I only experienced the feelings I was trying to avoid to begin with.

Of course it was all new and hard to understand, but I decided to make a change. Like most teenagers I recklessly searched for love. Risking way to much in order to find that little piece of life I’d been with holding from myself. The reckless behavior, well, I won’t go to deep into that here, but others watched me, and tried to stop me, or understand what, and why I was acting so drastically different.

Eventually I found a little more balance. I moved out on my own, and for once was acting like a reasonable sound minded adult. I was 19. I met Adam and we pretty much fell instantly in love. You know how the rest of that story goes, to me it felt like a fairy tale, or an amazingly blissful dream. It’s one of those times I relive in my memories all the time.

I think then, at the beginning of our relationship I was the most balanced in my thinking. I had the things I longed for, love, a boyfriend, everything that goes along with it. Nothing was missing.

Fear crept up, with those old bitter memories of my parents divorce. I still worried that love would destroy me, “like it did my family”. I put up walls, I put up restrictive boundaries. I used what I had learned, both good and bad, and tried to construct my own rules about love. I tried, and was mostly successful in my ways of organizing these matters of the heart.

I did okay, I felt some of those good feelings by allowing myself to fall in love, and to be loved. But I felt a little bit of the pain, and isolation of the rules I was enforcing (mostly on myself) I structured my beliefs mostly from what I had learned and seen first hand, and the theories I had been taught growing up, theories about morals, and things laid out in the Bible. That helped me build my walls, and set my boundaries.

(I’m not trying to discourage you from following anything in the Bible by saying this.)

My problem was, this way I had structured my/our  life, relationship, etc. was not based on anything that was my own thoughts or feelings. It was all based on other people. I might have been myself on the inside, but I wasn’t being completely honest about who I was for years. I was completely ashamed of my reckless teenage years, they showed me things about myself that I found horrifying, and I was sure others would as well.

Adam knew I had walls up. It drove him crazy, he loves to break down peoples walls. He slowly chipped away at mine, and it took a lot. I’m talking, a good 10 years of chipping away until he could finally see inside. I started to break down my walls as well, I wanted to see behind them, although I remembered burring some pretty horrible things, I was convinced they couldn’t hurt me now.

So now, we both stare into the darkest recesses of my heart. All the scary things I put away for good. All the things I hid from everyone for years. SO much of it wasn’t that bad, so much of it was actually good. I just wanted to “protect myself” but along the way I hurt ppl in a million tiny ways. Living a million tiny lies. Sticking to something I didn’t completely agree with b/c I thought I was doing whats right.

Now, I have a lot to sort through, but I’m only telling you this because it’s what I know, for sure, you can’t protect yourself from pain, or heartbreak. You just can’t. You can inflict it on yourself without knowing it. The good news is this, you can choose to be yourself, you can be loved, you can fall in love, you can experience everything that is great, warm and fuzzy, you can feel that bliss as much as you want to allow, but no matter what I don’t think you can avoid pain and heartbreak. I really believe that you CAN avoid love, but it’ll only break your heart. So you can’t avoid heart break.  Bottom line. You might as well take all the good with a little bit of bad, otherwise you just miss out on all that good.

Life is to short. I hate that it has taken me this long to figure that out.

One day in the Magic Kingdom

So, we took a trip to Florida, just a short one, and spent a day at Disney.

Now, this was one of my childhood dreams that I never got to live out. I was obsessed with with Micky Mouse. I even had a Micky Mouse themed room for a while. Everyone knew my obsession, and bought me Micky Mouse things. I had a gold ring with Micky on it, it was very special to me, and I never took it off. I outgrew it eventually and now it’s in a box with my other collectibles. I think I’m going to dig all that stuff out now.

So, I just wanted to post a couple pics, but I might have to come back to this topic later on, it’s to much to share in one blog.


This is just part of an attraction, but I thought they did a really good job at making everything look very authentic. These building, whatever they were supposed to look like, would be so detailed that you wouldn’t know if you were looking at replicas of old things, or actual old thing. Like a museum that where the artifacts are still in use instead of stored behind glass, or ropes.


The inside of one of those asain style buildings, you would be standing in line in places like this, there’s so much to look at and admire that you don’t even want the line to keep on moving. The rides become less important because there are so many interesting and beautiful things every where.


I snapped this pic of Micky, he was just walking by, going somewhere. Thats the only thing I was disappointed about,  the characters don’t really walk around and interact with people like you’d imagine. You have to stand in line to meet them, get your picture taken, or what ever you want to do with your chance to be around a life sized character. Mickey though, he does talk in a Micky Mouse voice, and his mouth moves, I don’t know how the made all that work, but it was cool to see.

When they are just going to the next place they’re supposed to be they have to be escorted, Mickey had for when I took this picture, two in front, and two behind. Mickey stayed friendly, but the escorts had to be the straight faced tough people you don’t mess with.

In all, for me, the Magic Kingdom was a place where dreams come true. It was everything I thought it would be, and for a day, I was that starry eyed kid again, obsessed with Mickey Mouse.

The reason I keep going is the reason I feel like crying…

There is a certain amount of love in my soul for everyone. Everyone in my life. It doesn’t dwindle or fade away, no matter how many times it’s questioned, or put to the test. It’s still here, it’s always here and I will recognize it even when others can’t.

It will drive me to keep going, to keep trying. It will rip me apart, and leave me in tears, sometimes, but it’s also the reason I’m still here.

I feel like I annoy people just by being around. I hurt people just by being myself. Or saying how I feel, or what I think. But I can’t always hold it all together. Sometimes I need to know I can be forgiven, or loved just the same no matter how many times I screw up.

It’s hard to know what to do when everything you try seems to go south. Lately it seems like when one door closes, well that’s just another door slammed in my face. Nothing more. I get used to it and go about my day, at times I feel like completely shutting down. Like giving up on everything, declaring that my own ideas are stupid, that I’m stupid for ever believing in them, of mistakenly thinking others will believe in them, or in me.

Every time I fail in life I go through this. I know it will get better, it always does, but I need some new ways of dealing until it does. I don’t know what to do.

Furies- part 1

Today I want to introduce you to a new topic (new to my blog) that is upbeat and fun…


What is a furry you may ask? Well, a furry is a person who identifies on a certain level  to a particular animal.

For example; I would identify with a wolf because to me they represent strength and courage. I feel like those are my best attributes, and values that I admire most in others. Knowing this about myself I would choose to have a wolf persona (or fursona ;)

Creating the persona is where it gets fun. Think of what you might look like if you were part animal, what would you act like? What would you do? Let your imagination run wild for a min. and see what kinda of character you create.

Everyone varies on how serious, or what level they want to take this to. For me it’s just a fun way to express myself that usually stays inside my sketch pad, discussed with friends, or written about. I have an overactive imagination, and a constant need to create things, so sometimes it takes on the form of whatever craft or hobby I have at the time.

Anyways, notice that this is “part 1″. I will be returning to this subject here soon, but for now be thinking about your fursonas and tell me what you come up with.