The Bible. Church. Christianity. Religion.
They all offer hope, but in return they ask you to give up yourself, and conform to their rules, because they know best. They know you better than you know yourself.
I used to buy into it too. I used to… Notice there is no mention of God above…
I used to think these things were God speaking to me, and so I listened, and I followed, but I never reaped that rich reward they all promised. I never felt that hope. I never felt forgiveness, or acceptance. Instead I always felt I messed it all up. I always felt guilt. I always felt shame. I hated myself for the person I was on the inside, although I could almost portray a decent Christian on the outside. Almost is never good enough in this society. Nope. I was never good enough.
Not good enough for marriage, not good enough for kids, not good enough for love, not good enough to preach, to speak, to sing in a choir, to play in a band, to be any part of anything beside an audience member. I was never good enough because I would never lie about myself. I just wouldn’t. I was honest, to honest for any of them. I made everyone uncomfortable. That’s the one thing I have done right. The one thing I didn’t lie about ever.
I never promised to be perfect.
So I was cast out.
I never did stop believing in God through all of that. Never. I never have stopped praying. That’s the funny part, I’ve never stopped praying, and I never stopped believing, or receiving answers to my prayers. Even so called “Christians” wouldn’t believe the strength I’ve found in God.
In God, not the church, not a religion, not a book. None of that. Just prayers.
Today as I sat in the psychiatrist office, questioning my every thought, move, and motivation, I picked up one of those hotel room bibles. You know the ones. Every page I landed on said to follow the rules. Follow the rules. Follow the rules and be blessed.
The problem is that I have followed them before. And I have strayed from them before. It didn’t matter to me in the end. I was the same person no matter what. Nothing improved, nothing got worse. I was still me. God was still there when I prayed.
I’m not saying I haven’t found hope in the bible. I have, but not every part of it. I’m not saying that a church never gave me a little motivation, a little happiness, it has. It has all gotten me by from time to time.
In thee end, there are only a few constants in life. I am still me. God answers me when I call on him. Life goes on. Certain things always disappoint. A couple people will always love you, and accept you no matter what, a lot more people will reject you. You will feel sad. You will feel happy. Nothing is forever. Hang in there no matter what…