Matters of the heart can not be made since of. They can not be sorted out, categorized, put into solid unchangeable matter-of-fact kind of rules… well, I guess they can if you really want them to be like that, but I can’t do that.
Not saying I haven’t tried, I have at one point, After my parents divorced I was so jaded by their failed mirage, watching them go through so much pain, feeling the pain it caused me. I swore I’d never fall in love. I vowed, I promised to myself it would absolutely never happen. I used to listen to a Pink song on repeat called “Family Portrait”, a line in it says this; “I don’t want love to destroy me like it has done my family” That spoke to me. I lived by it for a while.
The problem with that is, if you refuse to be vulnerable in order to avoid the possibility of being heart broken, well, you sacrifice all the good feelings of falling in love. To experience being loved yourself. That’s the place I took myself to, at a very young age. I didn’t feel attachments to people, I didn’t make friends, I sure as hell would not be falling in love with anyone. I was just lonely, cold blooded, angry, lonely, the list goes on. But hey, at least no one was doing it to me (I thought).
Instead of feeling all the joy other people might have brought into my life, I only experienced the feelings I was trying to avoid to begin with.
Of course it was all new and hard to understand, but I decided to make a change. Like most teenagers I recklessly searched for love. Risking way to much in order to find that little piece of life I’d been with holding from myself. The reckless behavior, well, I won’t go to deep into that here, but others watched me, and tried to stop me, or understand what, and why I was acting so drastically different.
Eventually I found a little more balance. I moved out on my own, and for once was acting like a reasonable sound minded adult. I was 19. I met Adam and we pretty much fell instantly in love. You know how the rest of that story goes, to me it felt like a fairy tale, or an amazingly blissful dream. It’s one of those times I relive in my memories all the time.
I think then, at the beginning of our relationship I was the most balanced in my thinking. I had the things I longed for, love, a boyfriend, everything that goes along with it. Nothing was missing.
Fear crept up, with those old bitter memories of my parents divorce. I still worried that love would destroy me, “like it did my family”. I put up walls, I put up restrictive boundaries. I used what I had learned, both good and bad, and tried to construct my own rules about love. I tried, and was mostly successful in my ways of organizing these matters of the heart.
I did okay, I felt some of those good feelings by allowing myself to fall in love, and to be loved. But I felt a little bit of the pain, and isolation of the rules I was enforcing (mostly on myself) I structured my beliefs mostly from what I had learned and seen first hand, and the theories I had been taught growing up, theories about morals, and things laid out in the Bible. That helped me build my walls, and set my boundaries.
(I’m not trying to discourage you from following anything in the Bible by saying this.)
My problem was, this way I had structured my/our life, relationship, etc. was not based on anything that was my own thoughts or feelings. It was all based on other people. I might have been myself on the inside, but I wasn’t being completely honest about who I was for years. I was completely ashamed of my reckless teenage years, they showed me things about myself that I found horrifying, and I was sure others would as well.
Adam knew I had walls up. It drove him crazy, he loves to break down peoples walls. He slowly chipped away at mine, and it took a lot. I’m talking, a good 10 years of chipping away until he could finally see inside. I started to break down my walls as well, I wanted to see behind them, although I remembered burring some pretty horrible things, I was convinced they couldn’t hurt me now.
So now, we both stare into the darkest recesses of my heart. All the scary things I put away for good. All the things I hid from everyone for years. SO much of it wasn’t that bad, so much of it was actually good. I just wanted to “protect myself” but along the way I hurt ppl in a million tiny ways. Living a million tiny lies. Sticking to something I didn’t completely agree with b/c I thought I was doing whats right.
Now, I have a lot to sort through, but I’m only telling you this because it’s what I know, for sure, you can’t protect yourself from pain, or heartbreak. You just can’t. You can inflict it on yourself without knowing it. The good news is this, you can choose to be yourself, you can be loved, you can fall in love, you can experience everything that is great, warm and fuzzy, you can feel that bliss as much as you want to allow, but no matter what I don’t think you can avoid pain and heartbreak. I really believe that you CAN avoid love, but it’ll only break your heart. So you can’t avoid heart break. Bottom line. You might as well take all the good with a little bit of bad, otherwise you just miss out on all that good.
Life is to short. I hate that it has taken me this long to figure that out.